Well, I have had this nagging sense of “imperfection-ism” the whole day. Don’t know what exactly caused this to happen. Was it that my boss kind of ticked me off ? Or the amount of work that keeps piling up ? And my social life is a mess…both family and friends. Most of the time, I keep quiet and listen to life as it flies by. But just once, I wish everything would stop. Only for a few hours, just want a break. Just once, I wish I didn’t have to worry about the amount of work left, about doing everything the right way, what to say to whom, show the right expression, make the right noises of approval. Sometimes, I wish I didn’t have to be so careful with my choice of words, my moods and feelings. True, I get to vent it out once a while but why do I have to have these spells; when the day seems gloomyand nothing works out right. I don’t know what it is, maybe it is the pent up emotions in me, or the stress, or the fact that I will be getting transferred to elsewhere next year. Can’t put a finger onto it. Maybe I just need a good cry, for even heaven cries…I have been listening to this song for sometime. Sometimes, I just wish I could pack up and go off. Not telling anyone. Not to be responsible. Just a break.
It hurts to smile when your relationships are strained thanks to some unexplained matter which was never cleared up, which will happen only if both sides hear themselves out. It hurts when you realize that the rumors floating around gain more precedence over the real facts of the event. What’s the point ? You have no choice but to just shrug your shoulders, chin up and smile. Grandma used to say, Let people say what they want, you know who are ? I agree, but sometimes I just wish that everyone would just mind their own business or else just accept others as they are, minus expectations, minus any obligations. But sadly, it seems like an Utopian concept. I think I really need that cry. Or maybe the fault lies in me…a deaf ear I need to have, an expectation of perfection needs to go away. Or maybe I need to look into the mirror and say, this is who I am, to hell with the rest of the world.
I need to stop this rambling and get on with life. Need to get out of the blues soon, puts the entire Christmastime to a depressive halt. Need to get away at least for sometime, before this phase goes on for too long. I can feel my whole world falling apart, feel like hiding myself in a corner or just disappearing for a while. I guess it is just a phase, but I can’t get rid of it. ” Even heaven cries Everybody cries, It’s okay to doubt yourself sometimes. You don’t have to be afraid Of what you fear inside It’s alright, it’s alright, Cause even heaven cries,” says the song but this depressive mood, it sucks. I guess it’s time to face the facts and just pray that everything will soon fall into place. Till then, I’ ll drown my sorrows in a beer.