For the past two days, I have been in a yo-yo state of mind. Binging between stated of contnetment and busy to that of listless and somber. Though, unfortunately, I can’t pin-point the exact cause or reason for me to be in such a mood. What do I blame it on ?
Maybe it’s to do with the fact that I work for a week in the rural part of India and then a week in the heart of the city. That is trying to handle two separate lives. Here and there. Or maybe it’s to do with the change of scene. Five months, and oh yes, I’m still settling in.
Maybe it’s because I miss the old life, on campus, with friends and the big city. I like rural India too, but at times, it tends to be too quiet. Venturing out beyond sunset is considered taboo, unless you are in the big city which is like a two hour drive away !! Yet the greenery and the farms are worth to stay over. I guess it depends on the mood.
Whatever it is, one thing I have to live with it is the consequences. The cosequences of the decision I made.
Decisions. Decisions. Decisions.
We all make them. Sometimes it’s on the spur of the moment. Sometimes, it’s after a lot of thought after weighing the pros and cons. Yet when a decision is made, the fruit of it, the consequences; good or bad, it must be borne by the decision-maker. How far the influence extends is a variable factor.
To be honest, I hate making decisions. Though if someone were to run my life, the Spartan mode, I would personally spearhead that someone. Yet, I don’t know what it is about decisions that I hate. No not, the small ones, as to what’s for supper, or what to wear for the party. It’s the big decisions that I dread to make. I know there may be many out there, who too have to take the big decision; but hey, that doesn’t hide the fact that,me; i.e. I have to make my own decision. Maybe it’s the fear of change. Or it’s about hating the uncertainity of what lies next. Yet once made, many a time there is no turning back. It’s what they ( as in people, life….) say, you got to stick to it and live the decision.
Sometimes, once a while, admist all the chaos I step aside and try to think. Believe me, through the chaos of trying to maintain two separate phases of life, it’s really difficult to even get few minutes of real silence. The decision, good or bad, that only time can tell. But come what may, I guess the consequences of it, adds to the experiences.
All said and done with my rambling, even now I can’t figure out if while making a decision is it worth contemplating the two sides, or forseeing the aftermath of deciding for or against a possibilty; or just closing my eyes and going with the primal nature of behaviour . Maybe, it’s a bit about basic instincts or as the local slang says, “a gut feeling”. The rest, is about me facing the music, come what may. Just hope the road gets less bumpy after a while, till then may be the head gear would help me hold on !!