It still hurts…

Am upset. Lost a baby in the pediatric ICU today. Another victim of the dengue epidemic. No matter how much we all tried, the baby couldn’t be saved. She was perfectly fine last night. The platelets had plummeted by morning and then by mid-afternoon, shewent into shock. The baseline ECG came as a straight line, still we tried cardioversion, CPR hoping that a miracle would happen.

It’s too painful, that even a year later, the whole episode will remain etched in your mind. You will remember every scene even the tiniest detail to the dot. This is not the first time, I am seeing death; but each time a patient dies; something goes off in me. Death is indeed a significant part of life, but losing someone, anyone is painful.

Being in my profession, we medical personnel – doctors and nurses; declare death often; but inside it’s a nightmare. Sometimes, you are so helpless, that death is inevitable but still nightmares follow and you are taunted by the thoughts of “what if…”   You know it’s not anyone’s fault but it’s life. You wish that you had to never deal with death on a regular basis. You pray and hope that it never happens again. And if it does, you silently offer a prayer for courage, leaving everything in His hands. These are some things that time can never help you cope with  and these memories will stay for your entire lifetime.

Is it another masquerade….

Reading through the history of various civilizations, some themes have not really changed. Most of society try to carve themselves behind a facade, so that the real scenario is kept hidden. For instance, in one of my college newsletter reports, I was told to ‘ temper down’ my article because it might offend the governing board of directors. Whatever, happened to the internationally given human right of freedom of expression ? The real facts have to be thrown out to the public.

Likewise, I guess in most situations, we are told to go for the most ideal approach. Realistically, to be ideal is more or less an Utopian concept !!! Come to think of it, look at today’s society- the ideal standard of living, the ideal work environment, the ideal diet to follow….all these “ideal” concepts curb what we really want to do.

Last night, I was feeling bored. the TV was the only alternative ( net was royally dysfunctional !!!!). The Phantom of the Opera was on. It had reached the ballroom scene, where Andre and Firmin are toasting to the Phantom..It was these lyrics that caught my ear.

” Masquerade!
Paper faces on parade.
Masquerade!
Hide your face, so the world will never find you!
Masquerade!
Every face a different shade.
Masquerade!
Look around –
there’s another
mask behind you!

Flash of mauve.
Splash of puce.
Fool and king.
Ghoul and goose.
Green and black.
Queen and priest.
Trace of rouge.
Face of beast.
Faces.

Take your turn.
Take a ride.
On a merry – go – round
In an inhuman race…….” and the later lines of  Raoul/Chistine ” Who can name a face ? ”

Which is what brought me to the fact that ” Am I also the part of another masquerade scene ?!! ” Like all the hidden faces on parade, is that what the world is really all about?!!! I rather remain in utero then. What ever happened to the concept of ” being open”? True, there is a limit between ‘being open’ and ‘being reserved’ ; but that doesn’t grant you the fact to hide who you really are ?

Life seems like a masquerade party sometimes. Full of excitement and grandeur.Of enigma and all the gliterrati !! It spells out fun when in a party, but in real life..believe me, it’s not. Where people adorn their masks as a shield to their true self ? Who to trust ? Who to believe ? Who is who ? Who are you ? Another facade, another mask to hide behind !!! What role do you play – yourself or another mask ? All the show, all the splendor- purely artificial! Why appreciate somebody, when you don’t mean it ? Why put on an act of comfort and sympathy when deep down, you know that you don’t give a damn !!!

” Masquerading in..” some thing that you are not really yourself, should be kept to bare minimum, or rather in dire circumstances. Who can name a face ? No one. I rather be me, because I have only one life, and I want to end it by being the ‘real me’!!!

No one is immune to the fact that we tend to cover up the real ‘ourselves’. Echoing the words of  The Carpenters’ ‘ This Masquerade Lyrics’…

“Are we really happy with

This lonely game we play..”

It is indeed a lonely tune, to loose your relationships; because you were too busy hiding behind the mask !!! I don’t want to end up like the “Phantom”. I really want people to know the real me. and I am sure,  you do want the world to know ‘the real you’ and so does everybody else !!!

An ode to a cup of …..

Ever experience the feeling of being new to town, need a place to hang out….

Bored of working at home all day, need a scene change…

Stuck for ideas, messed up and need inspiration…

Need time out with your gang or partner….

Well, lets take a walk around the corner, ah! there it is- the coffee shop, that where i am headed. ( Not at home to make my own cuppa today!!) There’s something relaxing about sitting down with a cup of coffee ( its tea for all you tea lovers out there !!!) .and watching people milling about you. The aroma and the general ambiance.. whether it’s in the open air or the interior of a cafe’ …It feels like i can write a story while sitting, the different people i see – some pouring over the newspaper, others(like me !) typing over their laptops, each one of us with a different tale. Most of us, prefer it as a hangout place after work, during college hours, lover’s zone. Or even in between work, if a couple of minutes can be squeezed out.

Some people grab out for a cappuccino, mochas or the regular brewed coffee variety. If I start my day, without a  cup of coffee, somehow there’s something missing about it. The whole point is i can take a break from the daily chaos- more of a breathing moment. And the best thing is that all that coffee and tea drinking during mid life is supposed to help in preventing dementia.

If i am too short of time, or can’t leave home or my workplace – there’s nothing better than brewing my own cup of coffee. It gives you the time-out i  need, and the refocusing to get back on track.

Not to mention the number of ideas that can be inspired from a cup of coffee, the scripts getting ready for the publishers, a scriptwriters’ turning point for the movie, in between meetings, for the brain storming sessions.It all seems like an Edison moment..with our gray bulbs firing away through out the neural network.

Somehow, our daily lives seem like that, like a cup of coffee, depends on how we wanna have it, cold or hot, edgy or sweet, fast or slow,traditional or in the modern way….Enjoying a cup of coffee is an art in itself, allowing us to appreciate it in our fullest sense. So the next time you feel frustrated, stressed out , tired out,  take a break….and grab a seat, as well as a cup of coffee !! 🙂